What I Wish I knew About Being A Woman
Happy International Women's Day All.
I wanted to add photos of all the amazing women that are in my heart but I started writing a list and there are just too many!
So here’s some pictures of me.
An abundance of amazing, magical, powerful women helped me become the woman I am today and I stand here with a smile on my face in honour of all of them.
Some are in my life daily, some are no longer with me and some were fleeting moments of connection that were so potent they changed me forever.
I was once asked to write down what I love about being a woman and what it means to be one. I was in my early twenties and I remember holding the pen in my hand and on the paper, just a dot from the pen, I wished the ink would flow itself. In my mind all I could think was ‘nothing’... ‘I wish I was a man’... ‘it’s just too hard being a woman’... we moved on from that question and the dot remained the only answer. I felt guilty, ashamed, disconnected and confused. How could all these other women have wrote paragraphs of positivity when all I could feel was the struggle, the pain, the pressure, the unworthiness the unjust.
Today as a 34 year old women who has stepped into her womanhood I could write a book, in fact I am!
I absolutely LOVE being a woman and I love surrounding myself with them.
I asked the universe for a sisterhood, a community of women that supported me, accepted me and loved me unconditionally and as always it was provided.
Today we hold hands and rise together, rewriting history. Shedding light on the historic women that were kept in the shadows. Being proud to be a ‘witch’, a divine being of magic that is so connected to nature that we feel/know that which can not be seen or heard.
Our intuition has no bounds, our creativity no limits and our love no end.
I realise now that a lot of the disconnect was due to conflicting thoughts that were planted my mind.
I wasn’t woman enough because my breasts were too small. I wasn’t woman enough because my body was too strong, my bones too big, my body too hairy. I wasn’t woman enough because I was good at sports, didn’t wear enough make up, paint my nails or put extensions in my hair.
But as a woman... I wasn’t emotionally strong enough, I was too emotional, too weak, too sexual, talked too much, thought too much, showed too much skin, needed to show more manners, give more allowances, grow up quicker...
How could I know what it means to be a women if I didn’t feel worthy enough to be one and if I did. Ashamed to be one in equal measure!?!
I of course wasn’t born with all these thoughts, they were not my own... I remember the moments, standing there as a young enthusiastic, joyful little girl, so full of life, wanting to explore and learn and love in abundance and then... stab, punch, kick, slap... my heart, my power, my zest... being stripped, tainted, taken, broken.
Recently I was told by an ex partner that I wasn’t ‘feminine’, that I’m boyish, a tomboy, that I would be more ‘feminine’ if I played less sports and straightened my hair. If I got my lips done and wore more make-up.
In that moment, I was that little girl again. The one that got lined up by the boys in primary school and was told I wasn’t good enough to have a boyfriend because I was too hairy. The one that was told to stand topless while my newly forming breast were critiqued for being too small, the wrong shape and growing down and sideways (for the record these were women). The one that was told she was dirty, gross, disgusting because she got her period and should whisper, keep it a secret and not let people see it or the things you buy to hide it. The one that was told by my grandfather that I’d never pass my exams or do well in life because my skirt was too short. The one that was told, I’d be more attractive if I was fat with big breasts rather than slim with none. The one that was told I was too sensitive, too kind, too loving, TOO MUCH...
Luckily as a grown, powerful strong and independent woman that has managed to peel away from those toxic people one way or another. I now sit with little Leyla in moments she surfaces hurt, confused and just wanting to flourish and shining bright. I tell her the ways of the world and how we can protect ourselves from it and then I visualise my army or goddesses surrounding us, a purple forcefield of diving feminine magic as I hold her and tell her how loved she is and that she is enough.
So despite how hard the journey may have been so far, I am very grateful to be a woman. One that does play sports, is physically AND mentally strong. One that has small breast with a big heart. A woman that doesn't always like to wear make up, straighten my hair or wear heels, one that grows hair all over her body and bleeds with pride.
I create, I birth new life and I am fucking MAGIC!
I want to tell all the young girls out there as woman every day gets easier, every year we grow stronger, when we have done the work. There were so many times I almost ended it, time I thought I couldn't face anymore of the shame, the fear of not being enough, it was exhausting and I didn't know if I had the energy, the power to carry on... I'm glad I did.
Women we have stood naked, vulnerable, open, felt it all. Swam through the emotional waters, bled and been immersed in the dirt, soared through the darkness of the mind and risen through the ashes as the flames that tried to diminish our magic.
Let’s keep rising queens and let’s take the divine masculine with us so we can find that beautiful, harmonious balance that was intended. Peace.
Love Leyla x