I've Been Thinking I'm Losing Myself… Why Am I So Angry Lately

I thought something was wrong with me.

But what if that’s not me getting worse… what if that’s me finally feeling safe?

I’ve been thinking a lot about balance lately.

Not the kind of balance that I do on my mat.

Not the “morning routine, green juice, meditate, journal, be calm and glowing” kind of balance.

I mean the internal, take a real good look at myself kind.

The kind where one minute you’re grounded, soft, open…

and the next minute you’re going full on fire goddess… where did that come from?

Because that’s where I’ve been.

For most of my life, I was the good girl.

And it’s not that I didn’t stand up for myself. I did.

But it was more external.

Everything else went inward.

Sadness instead of anger.

Heaviness instead of expression.

And I think I lived there for a long time.

I always wondered why I didn't get angry and would be secretly jelous of people that did.

But something’s shifted.

Now… I feel rage.

Proper, fiery, Kali-type rage.

And it’s not constant, but when it comes, it’s strong.

It surprises me.

One minute I’m fine.

Then I’m angry.

Then I’m sad.

Then I’m like… okay, what just happened?

And in between all of that, I get these little moments of clarity.

Little pauses where I can see it.

Like, oh… that was anger.

That was hurt.

That was something old coming out.

And I’ve been asking myself…

Why am I like this now?

Why do I feel more emotional, more reactive, more… everything?

And the truth that keeps landing is this:

I think I finally feel safe.

Safe enough to feel anger.

Safe enough to let it move through me instead of pushing it down.

And that’s confusing, because it almost makes you question yourself.

Like…

Am I less happy than I used to be?

Am I more frustrated?

Am I less me?

But I’m not.

I’m just more free

More open.

More… expressed.

It’s like everything that didn’t have space before is finally getting its moment.

And I used to think I’d gone from being in my Shakti to being in my Kali.

But actually…

Kali is Shakti.

It’s all part of the same energy.

I’m not becoming something different.

I’m meeting parts of myself that I didn’t feel safe enough to access before.

The fire was always there.

I just didn’t let it speak.

And now I’m here.

Somewhere between the soft, calm, loving energy…

and the wild, fierce, unpredictable energy.

Between Kali and Parvati.

And I’m starting to see that they’re not opposites pulling me in different directions…

And maybe the work isn’t about choosing one.

Maybe it’s about learning when each one is needed.

Because if I’m honest, I don’t feel fully in control of either right now.

They kind of just… arrive.

Unannounced.

Unfiltered.

And there has been a bit of shame pocking its little head.

I think now it's time to start learning how to be with them without letting them run the whole show.

I’ve just landed in Singapore, and I was walking around earlier looking at the trees, the greenery, the stillness…

Right next to these huge, beautiful skyscrapers.

And I thought… this is it.

This is the balance.

Nature and structure.

Softness and power.

Flow and control.

Existing together.

Not one dominating the other.

And it made me realise…

That’s what I’m learning inside myself.

Not how to be calm all the time.

Not how to get rid of the anger.

But how to hold both.

To know when to soften.

And when to speak.

When to stay grounded.

And when to let the fire come through.

Without it burning everything down.

And I’m also learning to be okay with not getting it perfect.

I’m not going to give myself a hard time every time the anger comes out.

There’s still confusion sometimes.

Moments of… who am I?

This doesn’t feel like me… but it is me.

And actually, I’m proud of that side of me.

I’m proud of the part of me that expresses how I feel.

I allow myself to speak my truth and encourage others to do the same.

I’m not scared of the fire.

I’m not scared of the chaos.

I’m not scared of the transformation.

I know I’m here to grow.

I know I’m here to create ripples.

To create change.

That’s part of who I am.

And I’m allowing myself to be free in that.

But at the same time…

I’m becoming really aware of how that lands on the people closest to me.

Because if I’m honest, I think I’ve got quite good at expressing myself out in the world.

In work.

In conversations.

With people slightly further out from me.

That energy becomes thoughtful.

Measured.

Intentional.

But the closer someone is to me…

The more they get the full force.

Like a tidal wave.

And as you move further out, it softens into ripples.

And I think sometimes ripples are all people need to feel of my energy.

That is enough...

And that’s something I’m really sitting with right now.

How do I keep that truth, that fire, that expression…

But not send it out in a way that overwhelms the people I love most?

How do I stay honest…

Without it becoming hard force and intense impact over intention?

And I don’t have a perfect answer for that yet.

But I know it’s part of this.

Part of the balance.

Part of the practice.

Because it’s not enough to just understand this.

You can read all the books.

You can know the theory.

You can even see your patterns in real time.

But that doesn’t mean you can control it.

I’m reading The Shaolin Spirit at the moment, and it’s really landing that piece for me.

That it’s not about knowing.

It’s about practice.

Daily, small, consistent practice.

Training your mind.

Training your body.

Training your energy.

Because balance isn’t something you think your way into.

It’s something you train your nervous system to hold.

And I can feel that’s where I am right now.

Not at the end of it.

Right in it.

Learning what actually helps me come back to centre.

Being in water helps.

Letting it soften me and settle the flames.

Movement helps.

Shifting energy through my body instead of letting it get stuck and explode later.

Breath helps.

Slowing everything down when it starts to rise.

I'll practice letting the energy move instead of suppressing it… but also not letting it run wild.

And trust me it runs WLD 😅

The real practice...

Not becoming calm.

Not getting rid of the fire.

And honestly… I think that’s where the real balance lives.

Not in perfection.

But in practice.

If you’re on your own healing journey, you can explore yoga, breathwork and nervous system support with me at House of Leyla in Gravesend or online.

Sending you all love and healing

Leyla x

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